Restored

I’m not sure you got the memo, but just incase I would like to announce that I am not, in fact, crazy.  Well..not entirely. Let’s back up.

Remember all that stuff surrounding Michaiah and his birth- the gallstones, surgery, and the too long stay at the hospital?  Well, I don’t think I’ve indulged in details too much because honestly, I was ashamed of the outcome.  Essentially what happened, was I had the gallbladder surgery and was promised I would feel as good as new.  This didn’t happen, as I ended up back in the hospital with gallstone attacks from a gallbladder I didn’t have anymore.  After some tests, the doctors found some stones stuck in the bile duct.  This was after 3 days of being in the hospital and being away from my newborn son.  At this time, the doctors were trying everything they could to ease my pain. All of these things they tried resulted in me being in a coma like state- I could hardly stay awake I was on so many drugs!  And, I was unresponsive to the meds as the pain did it’s own thing.  After that three days however, I started to bounce back and feel better. I was using the pain med drip less and less, and was excited to get the heck out of there.  The surgeons then came in and told me I needed a stint in my bile duct. I told them I was feeling better, and would prefer not to. They pushed, and told me it was a good idea.  So I listened.  We had the surgery, and directly after waking up from sedation I knew something was wrong.  I felt WORSE.  It felt like gallbladder attacks all over again.  I was weeping of pain, shaking, throwing up, and my blood pressure was dropping (something I’ve learned is a sign of REAL PAIN).  So we’re into day 4 of being at the hospital and not being able to see my newborn baby boy. So with this new pain (which, remember, was getting better) we’re back on all the pain meds- patches, drips, you name it. All of it I was unresponsive too and sometimes flat out refused because I didn’t want a cover up- I wanted it fixed.  I kept asking questions, but nobody would give me answers.  I was getting more and more confused.  Everyday I was told I could go home..so everyday I wouldn’t shower thinking I would get a bath at home soon.  I started to get rather stinky.

I noticed everyone was looking at me weird, asking questions and writing down everything I said…then just leaving.  With no answers.  At this point my days are confused and I have no idea what is happening.  Then., to my relief, my two midwives came in. When I saw them, I starting balling and begged them to help me.  They sat down, held my hand, and told me they were switching my meds.  My heart sank. I asked why, and told them I was not at all having postpartum depression like I did with Ayden.  I know what that feels like, and this was different. This was physical pain that was documented and had physical reactions.  They looked me in the eye, and told me it was in my head.  They told me all of this was a manifestation of the baby blues, and the pain wasn’t real.  I.was.shocked.  From that point on, the plan was to bring Michaiah in so they could WATCH me take care of my own son. Yup, I was on lockdown.  I wasn’t allowed to go home until I was stable and they saw me taking care of my son.  Although I didn’t believe a word they said, I did everything they asked so I could get the HELL out of there.  Well, eventually I won their trust (still with this pain) and was released to go home.

Once I got home I was just happy to be home, so I took a break from thinking and enjoyed it.  But…as time went on, I couldn’t shake what happened.  Was it really in my head??? Am I, crazy?  I really began to doubt everything in my head at that point. I would often ask Levi, should this (whatever “this” was) hurt, am I crazy, is this in my head too???  I doubted everything.

So the past year has been a struggle to accept that my mind could so easily turn on me, but slowly I let go and accepted it.  Kind of.

Flash forward to now.  As I was meeting with our OB to get my tubes tied, I informed her my mind is weird and I have issues…and I might need to be observed after minor surgery.  She asked why, and I explained to her all the drama from the past year.  She stopped me when I told her the doctors told me it was in my head and she said, “I don’t buy that.”  This OB then proceeded to explain to me how medically, everything I experienced actually made perfect sense.  It wasn’t in my head. It was real. I’m not crazy.  I’m not crazy. I could feel my heart rejoicing, but mourning all at the same time.  My lip started to quiver.  All this time. All this doubt. All this worry.  So right then and there, she took me off my meds I had been on for over a year (unneeded ones) and replaced them with meds that fit for me.  The side effects I have experienced from these unneeded meds sounds like a commercial (you know, the med commercials that list all the side effects lol) and I no longer need to deal with that as a part of my life.  I have quite literally been, restored.  I’m back.

“Then I will make up to you for the years That the swarming locust has eaten, The creeping locust, the stripping locust and the gnawing locust, My great army which I sent among you. “You will have plenty to eat and be satisfied And praise the name of the LORD your God, Who has dealt wondrously with you; Then My people will never be put to shame.” Joel 2:25-26