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I’m not sure you got the memo, but just incase I would like to announce that I am not, in fact, crazy. Well..not entirely. Let’s back up.
Remember all that stuff surrounding Michaiah and his birth- the gallstones, surgery, and the too long stay at the hospital? Well, I don’t think I’ve indulged in details too much because honestly, I was ashamed of the outcome. Essentially what happened, was I had the gallbladder surgery and was promised I would feel as good as new. This didn’t happen, as I ended up back in the hospital with gallstone attacks from a gallbladder I didn’t have anymore. After some tests, the doctors found some stones stuck in the bile duct. This was after 3 days of being in the hospital and being away from my newborn son. At this time, the doctors were trying everything they could to ease my pain. All of these things they tried resulted in me being in a coma like state- I could hardly stay awake I was on so many drugs! And, I was unresponsive to the meds as the pain did it’s own thing. After that three days however, I started to bounce back and feel better. I was using the pain med drip less and less, and was excited to get the heck out of there. The surgeons then came in and told me I needed a stint in my bile duct. I told them I was feeling better, and would prefer not to. They pushed, and told me it was a good idea. So I listened. We had the surgery, and directly after waking up from sedation I knew something was wrong. I felt WORSE. It felt like gallbladder attacks all over again. I was weeping of pain, shaking, throwing up, and my blood pressure was dropping (something I’ve learned is a sign of REAL PAIN). So we’re into day 4 of being at the hospital and not being able to see my newborn baby boy. So with this new pain (which, remember, was getting better) we’re back on all the pain meds- patches, drips, you name it. All of it I was unresponsive too and sometimes flat out refused because I didn’t want a cover up- I wanted it fixed. I kept asking questions, but nobody would give me answers. I was getting more and more confused. Everyday I was told I could go home..so everyday I wouldn’t shower thinking I would get a bath at home soon. I started to get rather stinky.
I noticed everyone was looking at me weird, asking questions and writing down everything I said…then just leaving. With no answers. At this point my days are confused and I have no idea what is happening. Then., to my relief, my two midwives came in. When I saw them, I starting balling and begged them to help me. They sat down, held my hand, and told me they were switching my meds. My heart sank. I asked why, and told them I was not at all having postpartum depression like I did with Ayden. I know what that feels like, and this was different. This was physical pain that was documented and had physical reactions. They looked me in the eye, and told me it was in my head. They told me all of this was a manifestation of the baby blues, and the pain wasn’t real. I.was.shocked. From that point on, the plan was to bring Michaiah in so they could WATCH me take care of my own son. Yup, I was on lockdown. I wasn’t allowed to go home until I was stable and they saw me taking care of my son. Although I didn’t believe a word they said, I did everything they asked so I could get the HELL out of there. Well, eventually I won their trust (still with this pain) and was released to go home.
Once I got home I was just happy to be home, so I took a break from thinking and enjoyed it. But…as time went on, I couldn’t shake what happened. Was it really in my head??? Am I, crazy? I really began to doubt everything in my head at that point. I would often ask Levi, should this (whatever “this” was) hurt, am I crazy, is this in my head too??? I doubted everything.
So the past year has been a struggle to accept that my mind could so easily turn on me, but slowly I let go and accepted it. Kind of.
Flash forward to now. As I was meeting with our OB to get my tubes tied, I informed her my mind is weird and I have issues…and I might need to be observed after minor surgery. She asked why, and I explained to her all the drama from the past year. She stopped me when I told her the doctors told me it was in my head and she said, “I don’t buy that.” This OB then proceeded to explain to me how medically, everything I experienced actually made perfect sense. It wasn’t in my head. It was real. I’m not crazy. I’m not crazy. I could feel my heart rejoicing, but mourning all at the same time. My lip started to quiver. All this time. All this doubt. All this worry. So right then and there, she took me off my meds I had been on for over a year (unneeded ones) and replaced them with meds that fit for me. The side effects I have experienced from these unneeded meds sounds like a commercial (you know, the med commercials that list all the side effects lol) and I no longer need to deal with that as a part of my life. I have quite literally been, restored. I’m back.
“Then I will make up to you for the years That the swarming locust has eaten, The creeping locust, the stripping locust and the gnawing locust, My great army which I sent among you. “You will have plenty to eat and be satisfied And praise the name of the LORD your God, Who has dealt wondrously with you; Then My people will never be put to shame.” Joel 2:25-26
I remember a lot of things about our premarital counseling but the main thing was that I was defined as an introvert. I had never really heard the term, but it sounded a lot like me. I rebounded by being alone, I filled up alone. When surrounded by people, I would become exhausted and drained. The opposite of that is an extrovert, someone who gains energy by being around people, and someone who would likely go nuts being alone too long. How it works is (taken from The Introvert Advantage (How To Thrive in an Extrovert World), by Marti Laney, Psy.D.) neuro-transmitters follow different dominant paths in the nervous systems of Introverts and Extroverts. If the science behind the book is correct, it turns out that Introverts are people who are over-sensitive to Dopamine, so too much external stimulation overdoses and exhausts them. Conversely, Extroverts can’t get enough Dopamine, and they require Adrenaline for their brains to create it. Extroverts also have a shorter pathway and less blood-flow to the brain. The messages of an Extrovert’s nervous system mostly bypass the Broca’s area in the frontal lobe, which is where a large portion of contemplation takes place.
Our Pastor really focused on this, because Levi is an extrovert, and I’m an introvert. He talked about how to honor and respect his quality each of us have and how important it is. We naively nodded our heads, smiled and batted our eyelashes at each other and said “Ok, yes, we understand.”
Flash forward 6 years. I am currently at a coffee shop and not allowed to come home until the kids are in bed because I started t become increasingly depressed, weepy, and overwhelmed. All I wanted to do was sleep, and through talking about stuff we realized I haven’t been alone in 5 years. No, I’m not exaggerating at all. Aside from the shower (which, Moms…you know how that goes), sleeping (again, Moms lol), and an occasional run to Target for meds or something I haven’t honored or respected my own neat quality of introvertness (yup, I just made a word up). I have only left Ayden overnight once, and that was with Levi while I drove 16 hours in a car with my Mom to a wedding that was full of…you guessed it…PEOPLE. Everyday, since May 3rd 2007- I have been surrounded. Please don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my life. I love my family. I even pride myself (a little too much probably) that I have always been with my kids and that I always put them before myself.
I have essentially plugged my ears, and closed my eyes to the warning of our pastor. I have ignored wise counsel. I have been in denial- I have THROWN myself into a life of constant motion, socialization, and engagement. This past week I felt as though my world was quite literally spinning around me and I couldn’t catch up. Nothing bad happened, in fact it was great! But I couldn’t see. Literally. It was chaos in my mind. I would try to do what I always do, pick myself up and start cleaning- that always works. Nope, I quit within a minute. It then accused to me that we were going to have a house full tonight, and then Levi would be gone all weekend as he works. Complete defeat filled my heart. What was wrong? Levi got home from a side job and I was just weepy. So, he kicked me out. And now that I’m here, I feel about 200x better. Wow. I forgot what this alone thing feels like. I forgot how good it feels to fill up, to be alone, to finish a thought, to be clear minded. it’s only been 45 minutes and I feel like I could take on the world! I have hours left lol!
So, I think I am going to re-embrace the introvert in me. I’m going to allow time just me, alone. I’m going to allow my husband to help in that. I’m going to say, “no” more often. I’m going to listen to the wise words of a dear friend back home in Oregon and let go of my control freakiness and just go be alone- even if it means ~gasp~ the father of my children actually have to care for them.
And, I’m not going to be ashamed of being an introvert. We introverts, although rare in today’s society offer some pretty neat things. For more- watch this: http://www.ted.com/talks/susan_cain_the_power_of_introverts.html
When Levi and I argue (no we do not daily frolic in a field of butterflies all the time, just…some of the time lol) I noticed I don’t usually get mad at what we’re arguing at or disagreeing over. I can handle disagreeing. I can handle being wrong. I can surely handle being right (right?)! So why the anger??? Where was it coming from?
I was a little bothered by this anger until I realized where it stemmed from. Everytime we argued we were both guilty of the same thing. We would see the GOOD “we” had done and bring it up. It might sound something like this: “Well I work so hard for you, and make sure dinner is ready and etc etc etc” or we both would accuse eachother. That sounded like this, “you always do that, you never listen etc etc.” Sound like something you’ve heard and/or said? Well, think about this:
The only good that is in us, belongs to Jesus. We have NO right to take His goodness, and claim it as our own. And Satan is the accuser, so when we accuse (this doesn’t mean graciously bringing up truth) we’re flat out evil.
We both realized this, and have since taken the “I” and “you” out of the discussion. It’s “we” need to work on this, or “by the grace of God we…” Making these small changes have been amazing. Try it next time you argue?
I know it’s a hot topic right now, and I’ve really resisted the urge to write about this- about gay marriage. But quite frankly, I can’t stay quiet any longer. I’m not really mad, to be honest I don’t really care if gay marriage is legal or not (that will be touched on soon). What I DO care about is truth, and I’m seeing a lot of people in support of gay marriage post articles written about how the bible doesn’t say homosexuality is wrong, and in fact supports it. I need to say to all of you (there have been so many I can’t respond to every post) that you, and the writers of those articles are so very, very wrong. First Corinthians reads, ” I wrote to you in my epistle not to keep company with sexually immoral people. 10 Yet I certainly did not mean with the sexually immoral people of this world, or with the covetous, or extortioners, or idolaters, since then you would need to go out of the world. 11 But now I have written to you not to keep company with anyone named a brother, who is sexually immoral, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or an extortioner—not even to eat with such a person. For what have I to do with judging those also who are outside? Do you not judge those who are inside?”
In Leviticus 18:22 it say’s, “Do not practice homosexuality, having sex with another man as with a woman. It is a detestable sin.” PLAIN AND SIMPLE. But for more context, 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 say’s, “Don’t you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Don’t fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality, or are thieves, or greedy people, or drunkards, or are abusive, or cheat people-none of these will inherit the Kingdom of God. Some of you were once like that. But you were cleansed; you were made holy; you were made right with God by calling on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” Another verse is 1 Timothy 1:8-10, “
Now we know that the law is good, if one uses it lawfully, understanding this, that the law is not laid down for the just but for the lawless and disobedient, for the ungodly and sinners, for the unholy and profane, for those who strike their fathers and mothers, for murderers, the sexually immoral, men who practice homosexuality, enslavers, liars, perjurers, and whatever else is contrary to sound doctrine ..”
So to clear things up- homosexuality is a sin. Just like lying, stealing, raping, and murder.
I also understand a lot of you really believe that homosexuality is natural, and therefore morally acceptable. Dr. James Dobson writes, “..if homesexuality were specifically inherited by a dominnet gene pattern, it would tend to be eliminated from the human gene pool because those who have it tend to not reproduce. Any characteristic that is not passed along to the next generation eventually dies with the individual who carries it. Not only does homosexuality continue to exist in nations around the world, it flourishes in some cultures. If the condition resulted from inherited characteristics, it would be a “constant” across time. Instead, there have been societies through the ages, such as Sodom and Gomorrah and the ancient Greek and Roman empires, where homosexuality reached epidemic proportions. The historical record tells us that those cultures and many others gradually descended into depravity…” Another thought on that is this- since twins share the same chromosomal pattern (DNA), the genetic contributions are exactly the same within each of the pairs. Therefore, if one twin is “born” homosexual, the other should as well. But that’s not the case. I know MANY sets of twins where the two are as opposite as light and dark.
All this to get to Gay Marriage and where I stand, as of now (I’m by no means perfect at understanding things and continue to study and learn). Politically I am not against it. I do not think the government should at all be in the business of families and defining them. I leave that up to God, soley. God even warned us about this! Isreal wanted a new King because they God wasn’t enough, and God warned them what would happen and it did!! In 1 Samuel it reads:
6 But when they said, “Give us a king to lead us,” this displeased Samuel; so he prayed to the Lord.7 And the Lord told him: “Listen to all that the people are saying to you; it is not you they have rejected, but they have rejected me as their king. 8 As they have done from the day I brought them up out of Egypt until this day, forsaking me and serving other gods, so they are doing to you. 9 Now listen to them; but warn them solemnly and let them know what the king who will reign over them will claim as his rights.”
10 Samuel told all the words of the Lord to the people who were asking him for a king. 11 He said, “This is what the king who will reign over you will claim as his rights: He will take your sons and make them serve with his chariots and horses, and they will run in front of his chariots. 12 Some he will assign to be commanders of thousands and commanders of fifties, and others to plow his ground and reap his harvest, and still others to make weapons of war and equipment for his chariots. 13 He will take your daughters to be perfumers and cooks and bakers. 14 He will take the best of your fields and vineyards and olive groves and give them to his attendants. 15 He will take a tenth of your grain and of your vintage and give it to his officials and attendants. 16 Your male and female servants and the best of your cattle[c] and donkeys he will take for his own use. 17 He will take a tenth of your flocks, and you yourselves will become his slaves. 18 When that day comes, you will cry out for relief from the king you have chosen, but the Lord will not answer you in that day. ”
19 But the people refused to listen to Samuel. “No!” they said. “We want a king over us. 20 Then we will be like all the other nations, with a king to lead us and to go out before us and fight our battles.”
To sum it up, God is our King. Not Obama. Yes we are to follow the law of the land, but it seems to me we are putting to much power in the hands of our politicians. God is king, make no mistake. Obama didn’t create two becoming one- so they can put a stamp on it and call it marriage if they want, doesn’t mean it is! Yes- it gives the homosexual community the same rights as other married couples but I quite honestly don’t think that’s the problem, nor do I even blame them for wanting that, nor do I disagree with that. My best friend and I, when our husbands were deployed, often joked that we would need to get a civil union someday if both our husbands died so we could just be friends yet be allowed to be in the hospital room if one of us is sick, or pick Ayden up from school etc. You might think that’s weird considering we’re not at all lesbian, but the government has so much control right now a dear, close friend cannot even hold the hand of the their dying friend!
Gay marriage, my friends, is NOT the issue. It’s a smoke screen. The issue is sin. Sin that we ALL have. Sin that Christ died for. The homosexual community will not desicrcrate marriage more then we bible freaks already do. I don’t need to give the current divorce rates, because we all know them- MOST of us reading this come from very broken homes. MOST of us reading this come from broken homes in the Christian community. The problem is our men, our leaders and protectors are too busy looking at porn and not busy enough bringing up our boy’s to be Men of God. The problem is us women have bought the lie that we don’t need men, that it’s oppression to stay home and raise our kids and tend to our families. And the majority of us that stay home are bitter towards our husbands, and do nothing to encourage and love and respect them. We’re a mess! The problem is us. All of us. Every single one of us. Gay, straight, engineer, pastor, wife, chef, porn star, Mother Teresa….we are all sinners. We all need Christ. We all need the same savior. The fight should be in bringing people to Christ, loving people to repentance. Letting CHRIST transform our world, NOT US trying to transform the world through political games. Who can save us? Who can protect us? Surely not the law.
“I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness comes through the Law, then Christ died needlessly.” Galatians 2:21
“Are you so foolish? Having begun by the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh?” Galatians 3:3
“For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision means anything, but faith working through love.” Galatians 5:6
Sinner’s need Christ. Our world is dying without Him. Our families are falling apart without Him. Our children are falling apart with Him. I fall apart without Him.