A confession

I’m not sure how to come out and say this, and I’ve wrestled with if I even should….but I have learned over and over that pride (which would be the only reason for me to NOT share this) doesn’t glorify God nor does it lift up the body of Christ and honestly, I could use a good portion of humble pie- so here I go…here is my confession:

I’m not really excited about Micah.  I’m not happy to be pregnant.  I don’t, at all, want another child…and a baby at that.  I’m to the point now, where my dread has gone but there still is little to no excitement.  Let me give you some history why.

When Ayden was born, I had severe post partum blues.  I didn’t know it then, and even when I and those around me suspected it, it wasn’t talked about. With all due respect, my husband, my rock and my everything was deploying in 4 weeks and picturing life without him for 15 months was hard- but I wasn’t picturing life without him for 15 months…I was sure he would get shot and die, and leave me and Ayden to fend for ourselves.  So all the things I experienced after Ayden was born, I blamed on circumstance.

When Ayden cried, my skin crawled and I wanted to just walk away from motherhood. When Ayden smiled, I cried because Levi missed it.  When he did nothing, I didn’t know what the heck to do- do I just look at you?  Do I talk to you? who arrrrre you?  I had no clue what being a Mom was….and what babies needed.  So….I just starred at him. I didn’t like holding him.  I didn’t like feeding him.  I didn’t like changing him.  I pretty much detested everything being a Mom entailed.  I even had visions of…..things…very bad things….that I can’t to this day utter to the world of FB or on blog “paper.”  That seems too…forever.  Experiencing these emotions…the fear of loosing my husband at war, and the reality of being a new Mom that has actually never changed a diaper was overwhelming, and it emptied me.  I was a walking, breathing, empty human being.

So Levi deployed, and I was numb. No real crying, no real emotions.  So this went on for about 5 months with a lot of screaming in ones pillow, throwing ones pillow, and having some serious words with God.  I was angry.  I was sad.  I was lost.

I say all this to explain WHY I’m not excited about Micah. I’m too nervous to be excited and I want you (yes, you) to know.  I don’t know what to say when people around me show excitement and say what a blessing babies are….because I don’t get it. I don’t have any happy memories of Ayden as a new baby.  But something..alongside my cautiosness I do have- is Christ.  When I was empty and lost, He filled me. Christ took my husband away when, really, I need him most- and filled the void. I had nobody but Christ and I see now- how intentional that was.  In Job, it reads “He said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, And naked I shall return there. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD.”  I learned, no matter what has been taken away, BLESSED BE THE NAME!  And although life as I knew it had been taken, my husband had been taken, my family….God GAVE to me through that.  The year Levi deployed, which is also the first year of Ayden’s life I received these blessings:

A best friend who is deeply rooted in Christ, and who never left my side and still hasn’t, patience (although, this is the gift that keeps giving….), trust in my Lord, perspective, an appreciation for serving someone- even though you don’t feel love for them, faith that it this too shall pass, a much needed boost in my conversations with God, the skill to pack a house and move in a timely and positive manner, joy…true joy untouched by circumstances, and an amazing little boy who reminds me on a daily basis that it’s not about me- it’s about what God has called me to be to glorify Him and right now that’s being Ayden and Micah’s Mom, and Levi Ball’s wife.

So although I am not excited about having another baby- there is a joy and a peace that transends even my understanding.  I know everything will be ok. I don’t know how, I might have baby blues again and I might be beyond hormonal…but God’s got this.  I fully expect the blessing to overwhelm me at some point, even if it takes a few years.  I trust God, that this surprise we call Micah will transform our lives and change them forever. I’m nervous about that change, but trusting it and (as if I have a choice) going with it.

I hope this wasn’t too much of a downer for all those new Mom to be’s out there- but I hope if you experience the same thing I did that you also put your trust in Christ, and be open to the amazing things He can teach you (and that, of course, you will be ok).

OK. I’m hitting “post blog.”  EEK…….


About past the outer courts...

Life isn't about me....
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